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Someone's set me on fire.
It's disconcerting. All I can see is ice,
frigid snow with -crystalline shards- the color
of [bloodless (lips)] - and here I am
with skin stitched from :silk:, eyes full of /sand/
Burning.

Salt and smoke
whistle softly through the skies, slap against my tongue
in withering blasts of winter wind. It's
something the sky does to you, you see, when you're soaring
with both hands stretched out so far
You've forgotten what they were reaching for.
I don't remember when I lost my way.
From plaster hands she feeds me wind, and wind
Numbs, Drains, Burns
me from the inside out
with every desperate breath I take.

_Moonlight_ pools into my mouth.
Through the static of my mind, I can almost hear her
/whispering/ to me --{like a prayer}.
Blue stars dance across my eyes as I start the long fall to the center of the earth, and I tried, you know I tried
To grab hold of your hand through that screen of smoke
Begging you please
Don't let me go.
I guess it's not your fault, though, that our
fingers are made of :ice: and ^charcoal.


<I'll have you know-->
Wind tastes like hate and disappointment.
It stings.
(edited 4/18/12)

lots of experimentation in this. and lots of "s" sounds. it's been a while since i've written poetry, haha- i've gotten kinda rusty.

well, enjoy.

#Written-Imagination's creative writing course: description. prompt: [link]
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:icon3wyl:
3wyl Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I like how you've included 'bloodless lips' in parenthesis as if it had to be contained, like... because it was so cold and all? Perhaps it must be contained for its own protection or maybe for something else...

The way you've mixed the cold and the heat is awesome at the beginning. I was ready to think myself in the land of cold forever but then you twist upon that and go back to the original point of the fire and burning there.

The sibilance is great in the second part. I like the phrasing and how you have described it with such intense detail there.. so much that we can imagine it ourselves. :nod:

It's also interesting because you're going from long sentences to quite short ones, which adds a cool contrast to things.

The long lines are probably my favourite, though... like how you lengthen it in a way that makes such a poignant point and all.

The way you've brought it back to the original topic is cool too, but.. yeah, you went off at a tangent before, so I got kind of lost before finding my way back again. That could just be me, but it could also reflect the situation too. o.O

It's not too bad! I don't really have a lot of suggestions... it doesn't sound as poetic as it could be, but that's because you have a few too many words, if that makes sense? Like you could probably make it all the more succinct and to the point... which would hopefully make it more poetic as well.

Just a thought. ^^;
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:iconvolkeswagondaotaku:
VolkesWagondaOtaku Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2012  Student Writer
ahhh, this, my poetry tends to get prose mixed into it, somehow. like prose-like poetry, or maybe it's poetic prose? well, anyways.

Indeed, this one didn't quite make...linear sense. There were too many descriptions cluttered around without a real plot...yeah, being more clean-cut would probably help me. I have that problem in every style. I'll try to get there.

thanks for the insightful critique! <3
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:icon3wyl:
3wyl Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh right, I see. :nod:

Nah, I get what you mean! :D
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:icongoe3834:
GOE3834 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2012
You have a very direct and bounding type of poetry. You can feel your energy when you read the poem, which is very cool.
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:iconvolkeswagondaotaku:
VolkesWagondaOtaku Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2012  Student Writer
:iconglompplz:
:iconlaplz::iconblinkthanksfavplz:
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:iconstarija:
Starija Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Student Writer
so cute! :heart:
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:iconvolkeswagondaotaku:
VolkesWagondaOtaku Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Student Writer
0 . o ...interesting way to see it. well, glad you enjoyed it! <3 and
:iconlaplz::iconblinkthanksfavplz::iconyourockplz:
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:iconstarija:
Starija Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Student Writer
i saw it as cute indeed. lol sad and scary, of course, but cute. the way you made your wording, i guess, was cute (not the words itself? lol)
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:iconvolkeswagondaotaku:
VolkesWagondaOtaku Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012  Student Writer
awesome! XD thanks
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:iconstarija:
Starija Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012  Student Writer
lol you're welcome~
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:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Lets get this started! *feels pumped*

Oh.. My... Fudge. :faint: THAT WAS SO GOOD!! I am in awe of how you have interoperated this prompt! You must share this amazing imaginative talent! You have a true way with words..I really loved this!

Okay well now to you feedback hahaha

YOU DEFIANTLY SHOWED! I was in awe feeling my whole body actually felt as though I was there...I actually think you didn't go over the top with this because poetry is meant to be strong and this poem was very strong and compelling.

You truly made it beautiful, my favorite part of it being...

Moonlight pools into my mouth.
Through the static of my mind, I can almost hear her
Whispering to me, like a prayer.


This was really good! I just loved the flow of that, it kind of made my shiver. It wasn't to showy but just right! You balanced this well especially with poetry. I think it is one of the simplest yet difficult ways to describe things, it can be vague yet still powerful.

You just need to clean it up a little as it gets a little confusing ...

with skin stitched from :silk:, eyes <full of /sand/> there for example...

All in all you did really well!!

Keep up the great work :)

I am thinking of hosting another CWC Chat as well no one really made and and hopefully you can come and ask questions! I'll keep you posted with the group journal if I decide that I will defiantly host another chat :happybounce:

Feedback courtesy of #Written-Imagination *Sorry its late* :facepalm:
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:iconvolkeswagondaotaku:
VolkesWagondaOtaku Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
awww :iconblushingmadplz: thank you!!! :iconglompplz: Right, i pbbly killed some of the words with so many "special effects", hahah. Don't worry about the time lag! I can't thank you enough for just giving me feedback, period. :D
agreed, poetry is tough. i don't really get it. i'm just glad that you enjoyed this though XD
I'll try my best to go to the chat! :) (and just curious...why do you always write "defiantly" instead of "definitely"?)
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:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Its okay :) hehehe Thanks :)

Yep, I really did!

Well you can blame my laptop's new ways it auto corrects stuff.. and I just noticed I can't spell it! :facepalm: I've been righting defiant... I SUCK!!..definitely ... definitely... Its not a word I ever looked at I guess.. My fail age.. Is HUGE!
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:iconvolkeswagondaotaku:
VolkesWagondaOtaku Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2011  Student Writer
lol XD thought it was smth like that. don't sweat it, happens to me all the time! i couldn't tell the difference b/w the two til recently, too @ o @
well, now that's cleared up. :D you won't make that mistake again!
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:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I still am making the mistake but now I'm correcting it XD
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