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Submitted on
November 13, 2011
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Someone's set me on fire.
It's disconcerting. All I can see is ice,
frigid snow with -crystalline shards- the color
of [bloodless (lips)] - and here I am
with skin stitched from :silk:, eyes full of /sand/
Burning.

Salt and smoke
whistle softly through the skies, slap against my tongue
in withering blasts of winter wind. It's
something the sky does to you, you see, when you're soaring
with both hands stretched out so far
You've forgotten what they were reaching for.
I don't remember when I lost my way.
From plaster hands she feeds me wind, and wind
Numbs, Drains, Burns
me from the inside out
with every desperate breath I take.

_Moonlight_ pools into my mouth.
Through the static of my mind, I can almost hear her
/whispering/ to me --{like a prayer}.
Blue stars dance across my eyes as I start the long fall to the center of the earth, and I tried, you know I tried
To grab hold of your hand through that screen of smoke
Begging you please
Don't let me go.
I guess it's not your fault, though, that our
fingers are made of :ice: and ^charcoal.


<I'll have you know-->
Wind tastes like hate and disappointment.
It stings.
(edited 4/18/12)

lots of experimentation in this. and lots of "s" sounds. it's been a while since i've written poetry, haha- i've gotten kinda rusty.

well, enjoy.

#Written-Imagination's creative writing course: description. prompt: [link]
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:icon3wyl:
3wyl Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I like how you've included 'bloodless lips' in parenthesis as if it had to be contained, like... because it was so cold and all? Perhaps it must be contained for its own protection or maybe for something else...

The way you've mixed the cold and the heat is awesome at the beginning. I was ready to think myself in the land of cold forever but then you twist upon that and go back to the original point of the fire and burning there.

The sibilance is great in the second part. I like the phrasing and how you have described it with such intense detail there.. so much that we can imagine it ourselves. :nod:

It's also interesting because you're going from long sentences to quite short ones, which adds a cool contrast to things.

The long lines are probably my favourite, though... like how you lengthen it in a way that makes such a poignant point and all.

The way you've brought it back to the original topic is cool too, but.. yeah, you went off at a tangent before, so I got kind of lost before finding my way back again. That could just be me, but it could also reflect the situation too. o.O

It's not too bad! I don't really have a lot of suggestions... it doesn't sound as poetic as it could be, but that's because you have a few too many words, if that makes sense? Like you could probably make it all the more succinct and to the point... which would hopefully make it more poetic as well.

Just a thought. ^^;
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:iconvolkeswagondaotaku:
VolkesWagondaOtaku Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2012  Student Writer
ahhh, this, my poetry tends to get prose mixed into it, somehow. like prose-like poetry, or maybe it's poetic prose? well, anyways.

Indeed, this one didn't quite make...linear sense. There were too many descriptions cluttered around without a real plot...yeah, being more clean-cut would probably help me. I have that problem in every style. I'll try to get there.

thanks for the insightful critique! <3
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:icon3wyl:
3wyl Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh right, I see. :nod:

Nah, I get what you mean! :D
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:icongoe3834:
GOE3834 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2012
You have a very direct and bounding type of poetry. You can feel your energy when you read the poem, which is very cool.
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:iconvolkeswagondaotaku:
VolkesWagondaOtaku Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2012  Student Writer
:iconglompplz:
:iconlaplz::iconblinkthanksfavplz:
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:iconstarija:
Starija Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Student Writer
so cute! :heart:
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:iconvolkeswagondaotaku:
VolkesWagondaOtaku Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Student Writer
0 . o ...interesting way to see it. well, glad you enjoyed it! <3 and
:iconlaplz::iconblinkthanksfavplz::iconyourockplz:
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:iconstarija:
Starija Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Student Writer
i saw it as cute indeed. lol sad and scary, of course, but cute. the way you made your wording, i guess, was cute (not the words itself? lol)
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:iconvolkeswagondaotaku:
VolkesWagondaOtaku Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012  Student Writer
awesome! XD thanks
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:iconstarija:
Starija Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012  Student Writer
lol you're welcome~
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